Divorce
91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife
of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks,
"Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"
The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids
to die."
Lenin in Poland
Brezhnev wished to commission a portrait to be
entitled "Lenin in Poland" in honor of the fiftieth anniversary of the
Russian Revolution. The problem was that Russian painters, being schooled
strictly in the realist school of thought, were unable to paint an event
which never occurred.
"Comrade Brezhnev, we would like to do it, but
we cannot. It goes against our training," was the reply which the Chairman
received from every artist he asked. Finally, after getting refusals from
all of the great artists in Moscow, Brezhnev was forced to go ask the old
Jewish painter, Levy.
"Of course, I prefer to portray actual events,
but I'll do the painting for you, Comrade. It would be my great honor." Levy
commenced work on the painting. However, every time that Brezhnev visited
his studio in an attempt to see the work in progress, Levy rebuffed his
efforts, telling him that he never allowed his unfinished works to be
viewed.
Finally, the day of the unveiling arrived. Levy
stood proudly by the cloth draped over his work. Brezhnev introduced Levy
and gestured to his gift to the Russian people on the fiftieth anniversary
of the Russian Revolution, a picture commemorating Lenin's historic visit to
Poland. Everyone gasped as the cloth was removed to reveal a picture of a
man and a woman together in bed.
Brezhnev was stunned. "Whoa, who is that man?"
he stammered. "Why, that's Trotsky." "And who," Brezhnev inquired, "is that
woman?" "That is Lenin's wife, Comrade Brezhnev."
"But where is Lenin?" "He's in Poland."
With the Olympics coming up.....
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier
must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well it happened
that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great
expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38
seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian
in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...
The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer
when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exausted Israeli:
"Alright...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"
TRADITION
During a service at an old congregation, when
the Shema was said half of the congregants stood up and half of them
remained sitting. The half that was sitting started yelling at those
standing and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting.
The Rabbi didn't know what to do about it, so
he told his congregation that there was a 98-year-old man living at a local
nursing home who was one of the founders of the temple, and that maybe he
could solve the dilemma of what the tradition in the temple was. So the
Rabbi went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema
said to the old man: "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the Rabbi said to the old man, "The
congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they
should sit or stand. . ."
And the old man interrupted, "THAT is the tradition!"
RULES OF JUDAISM
A good kugel sinks when placed in mercury.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know; it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Why spoil a meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave & never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye & never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk & honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig-in-a-blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
A bad matzoh-ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
The important Jewish holidays are those on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
According to Jewish dietary laws, pork & shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up & tell his
mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
(Zugesandt PK)
Moishe und der Papst
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided
that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious
debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could
stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had
no choice.
They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one
wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man
named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them.
Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one
addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up
around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The
pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and
the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised
his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass
of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This
man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all
around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up
three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one
finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also
right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original
sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded
around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what
all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to
get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me
that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were
staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe.
'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
(Zugesandt von OT)
Ein Musikstudent
Ein Musikstudent will ein Zimmer mieten. Die Vermieterin
weist ihn aber ab mit den Worten: "Kommt gar nicht in Frage! Wir hatten schon
einen Musikstudenten voriges Jahr.
Der war zu meiner Tochter erst sehr Beethoeflich.
Dann wurd' er aber Mozaertlich,
brachte ihr einen Strauss, nahm sie beim Haendel und fuehrte
sie mit Lizst
ueber den Bach in die Haydn.
Dort wurde er schon Reger.
Dachte frisch geWagnert halb gewonnen, konnte sich nicht Brahmsen.
Jetzt haben wir einen Mendelssohn
und wissen nicht wo Hindemit.
(Vielen Dank fuer die Zusendung und
''Drishath Shalom Chamah im hamon Neshikoth m'Minkhen'' nach Jerusalem an
Nomi.)
Liebe Chavah, schau Dir die Erde heut' an...
Ron kommt zum Schneider ,seinen Anzug messen.
Nach 3 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach 8 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach
12 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig.
Sagt Ron: 'Der liebe Gott hat die ganze Welt in 6 Tagen geschaffen!!!'
Nu - Ja, schau dir aber den Anzug an und schau dir die Welt an!
(The following is a joke out of Borough
Park, Brooklyn about the late beloved Lubavitcher Rebbe, prior to his passing)
Reb Menachem Schneerson is being driven to a
Chabad retreat in the Catskills
by a young student chauffeur. He suddenly requests of
the driver a wish to try driving himself after many years of being driven by
others.
The young driver feels he cannot refuse the beloved Rabbi and lets him into
the drivers seat while he gets into the back seat. Reb Schneerson, having
last driven a stickshift in Europe, is having a ball with the advanced
automatic, power steering, power brakes and all the luxuries. He soon makes
like Richard Petty and comes down the NY Thruway at 95 mph.
A NY State Police car soon pulls him over. The jackbooted cop ambles over
with the ticket book. As soon as he spots the driver, he freezes and mumbles
a "wait here a minute, please." The cop hurries back to his car, gets on the
radio to his area supervisor, and reports a very serious problem, "I just
pulled over a very important person!"
The captain on the other end asks; "Did you pull over Senator D'Amato
again?"
"No, this guy is more important!"
"You did'nt stop the governor?"
"No."
"The President?"
"No, but this person is real important, although I'm not quite sure who he
is."
"How do you know then that this person is so important?"
"Well, he has the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a chauffeur!"
Wie gehts? (v. Bronner und Wehle)
Servas ,heiss is.
Heiss is immer ,fragst du nicht wie's mir geht?
Wie komm ich dazu ,du bist im Stand und sagst es mir wirklich, ich bin nicht
neugierig.
Nu geh,wenn sich zwei Freunde treffen fragt man wenigstens wie es dir geht.
Gut ,dass a Ruh is : wie geht's dir?
Frag nicht!
Questionnaire for synagogue seating in Munich:
PLEASE CIRCLE ONE ANSWER FOR EACH QUESTION:
1. I would prefer to sit in the
a. talking section
b. no talking section
2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer?
a. business
b. medical
c. politics
d. hard gossip
e. character analysis
f. grandchildren
g. fur coats
h. what's wrong with the chazen
i. what's wrong with the rabbi
j. what's wrong with the prime minister
3. I want a seat located
a. near my in-laws
b. far from my in-laws
c. far from my ex-in-laws
d. near the pulpit
e. near the Kiddush table
f. near the exit
A jewish mother is worrying day in and day out
about her poor son,
far away in a college: "Oijvey, will he ever find a
nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While
worrying she decides to, at least, buy and send him two warm flanell shirts.
A couple of months later he travels back to New York and see his mother.
After many hours in a bus he arrives erev-shabat at her door and thinks:
"Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Sure this makes
her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens:
"Jankel!"
"Mammele!"
"Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I
sent you! - tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
A Jewish boy comes home from school
and tells his mother he has been given a part in the
school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says
"I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a
speaking part!!"
A salesman for a new firm had a very bad week.
Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He
was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City.
Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he
gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just
great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see
an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch,
nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck
is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he
turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a
convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for
Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"
"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the
ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the
American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually
quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really
stand out from the crowd as the best of all."
"One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really
communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American,
basically because as a group, they are so well built 'that way.' The third
are the men from down South because of their extraordinary ability to keep
it up a long time. And by the way, my name's Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weissberg, but all my friends back home just call me
Bubba."
Manoever in Israel
Eine Flussbruecke traegt (fuer die Manoever) ein
Schild: »Die Bruecke ist gesprengt.« Der Hauptmann sieht von seinem Huegel
aus durch das Fernrohr empoert, wie eine gruppe Infanteristen seelenruhig
dennoch ueber die Bruecke marschiert. Zornig faehrt der Hauptmannmit seinem
Jeep heran und will die Soldaten tuechtig anschnauzen. Da sieht er zu seiner
Verblueffung, dass sie ein Transparent tragen mit der Aufschrift: »Wir
schwimmen.«
Auf der Boerse
trat jemand an Fuerstenberg mit der Frage heran:
»Bitte, wo ist hier die Toilette?« Hierauf Fuerstenberg: »Hier gibt's keine
Toiletten. Hier bescheisst einer den andern.«
Die Methodistenkirche
einer amerkanischen Stadt hat fuer ihr
hunderttausendstes Mitglied eine Praemie von zehntausend Dollar ausgesetzt.
Kohn gelingt es, den Pfarrer gegen eine Provision von zehn Prozent zu
ueberreden, es so einzurichten, dass er das hunderttausendstes Mitglied
wird. Kaum zu Hause, bestuermt ihn seine Frau um einen neuen Pelzmantel,
sein Sohn um ein Darlehen und seine Tochter um ein Auto. Als auch noch die
juedische Koechin eine Bitte vorbringt, wird er aergerlich: »Kaum kommt ein
Goi zu Geld, kommen die Juden und ziehen es ihm aus der Tasche!«
Two people take a legal quarrel to the Rabbi for
arbitration.
The Rabbi listens to the plaintiff, and finally says
"I think you are right."
Then he listens to the defendant for an equal length of time, and says to
him "I think you are right."
This puzzles the Rabbi's disciple. He asks, "Master, how can you say this to
both? They cannot both be right!"
The Rabbi pauses to think, and then he says, "You know, I think you are
right, too."
The main course at the big civic dinner
was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen
regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly
rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" "At your wedding reception,
Father Kelly," said Rabbi Cohen without skipping a beat.
Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business
across the street from each other, and have been for
years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant
bastard, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few
minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a
magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't
resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years
of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want
- money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy,
whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two
million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy
gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"What's that?"
"I wish I were half dead."
Member
of the Israeli HyperBanner !
Polnisch-juedisches Sprichwort
Wenn man arbeitet, hat man keine Zeit, Geld zu
verdienen.
In zaristischen Russland
fiel ein Jude, der nicht schwimmen konnte, in die
Newa. Er schrie um Hilfe; in der Ferne spazierten zwei Poilizisten- aber sie
gingen gleichgueltig weiter. Da kam dem Juden in der Not eine Idee. »Nieder
mit dem Zaren!« bruellte er aus Leibeskraeften. Im Nu sprangen beide
Polizisten ins Wasser und schleppten ihn heraus, um ihn ins Gefaengnis zu
bringen.
Das Schiff hat ein Leck
Die Leute schreien, weinen. Ein Jude gebaerdet sich
besonders verzweifelt. Da tritt ein anderer auf ihn zu und fragt verwundert:
»Was schreist du? Ist es dein Schiff?«
Aus dem Brief eines Ehemannes an sein Weib
»Teure Riwke, sei so gut und schik mir Deine
Pantoffeln! Natuerlich meine ich meine und nicht Deine Pantoffeln. Aber wenn
Du liest >meine Pantoffeln<, dann meinst Du, ich moechte Deine Pantoffeln.
Wenn ich aber schreibe: Schick mir Deine Pantoffeln, dann liest Du >Deine
Pantoffeln< und verstehst richtig, dass ich meine: >meine Pantoffeln< und
schickst mir meine Pantoffeln. Schick mir also Deine Pantoffeln!«
Zwei Juden gehen in eine Ausstellung
impressionistischer Kunst
Vor einem der Gemaelde bleiben sie stehen und
diskutieren lange darueber, ob es nun ein Landschaftsbild oder ein Portrait
sei. Da sie sich nicht einigen koennen, gehen sie zurueck zur Kasse, um
einen Ausstellungskatalog zu kaufen. In dem-selben suchen sie das Bild. Es
hat den Titel "Mandelbaum an der Riviera". Sagt der eine Jude zum anderen:
"Siehst Du, ich hab' Dir doch gleich gesagt, das ist ein Portrait!"
Kommt ein Jude in den Himmel
und bekommt von Petrus eine Fuehrung durch den Himmel.
Vor einer hohen Mauer bleibt Petrus stehen und bedeutet dem Juden, leise zu
sein. "Warum ?", fragt der. Sagt Petrus: "Hinter der Mauer sind die
Christen, und die glauben, Sie seien alleine hier!"
Ein koscheres Restaurant
Im Schaufenster haengt ein Bild von Moses. Ein
galizischer Jude tritt herein - was sieht er? Der Kellner ist glatt rasiert
/(nach juedischem Ritus verboten!)/ Der Jude fragt misstrauisch: "Ist das
hier wirklich koscher?" Kellner: "Natuerlich, sehen Sie nicht das Bild von
Moses im Fenster haengen?" Der Jude: "Das schon. Aber offen gestanden: Wenn
Sie im Fenster hingen und Moses servieren wuerde, dann haette ich mehr
Vertrauen."
Ein Rabbi ärgert sich darüber,
dass viele der Glaeubigen ohne Kaeppi in die Synagoge
kommen. Also schreibt er an den Eingang: "Das Betreten der Synagoge ohne
Kopfbedeckung ist ein dem Ehebruch vergleichbares Vergehen." Am naechsten
Tag steht darunter: "Hab ich probiert. Kein Vergleich!."
Vielen Dank, fuer Mitarbeit
und Anregungen, an G. Fleischmann, A. Cohen und N. Meron.
Humor, erzählt auf
Jiddisch
Noch viel mehr Witze gibt's in
Frankfurt.
