/ / /

haGalil onLine -

Search haGalil

Newsletter abonnieren
Bücher / Morascha

Koscher leben...
Jüdische Weisheit
Sie finden hier zahlreiche Artikel aus dem 90er Jahren, d.h. aus den Anfangsjahren des WWW. Aktuellere Meldungen finden Sie im Nachrichtenarchiv unter Jüdisches Leben in Deutschland..., Antisemitismus, Rechtsextremismus..., Europa und die Welt... oder in den täglich aktuellen Nachrichten von
Etliche Artikel in diesem Ordner entsprechen in Formatierung und Gestaltung nicht den heutigen Internetstandards. Wir bedanken uns für Ihr Verständnis.

from haGalil onLine®

Lo pahoth haschuw:
Gichi, gichi!


91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"

The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

Lenin in Poland

Brezhnev wished to commission a portrait to be entitled "Lenin in Poland" in honor of the fiftieth anniversary of the Russian Revolution. The problem was that Russian painters, being schooled strictly in the realist school of thought, were unable to paint an event which never occurred.

"Comrade Brezhnev, we would like to do it, but we cannot. It goes against our training," was the reply which the Chairman received from every artist he asked. Finally, after getting refusals from all of the great artists in Moscow, Brezhnev was forced to go ask the old Jewish painter, Levy.

"Of course, I prefer to portray actual events, but I'll do the painting for you, Comrade. It would be my great honor." Levy commenced work on the painting. However, every time that Brezhnev visited his studio in an attempt to see the work in progress, Levy rebuffed his efforts, telling him that he never allowed his unfinished works to be viewed.

Finally, the day of the unveiling arrived. Levy stood proudly by the cloth draped over his work. Brezhnev introduced Levy and gestured to his gift to the Russian people on the fiftieth anniversary of the Russian Revolution, a picture commemorating Lenin's historic visit to Poland. Everyone gasped as the cloth was removed to reveal a picture of a man and a woman together in bed.

Brezhnev was stunned. "Whoa, who is that man?" he stammered. "Why, that's Trotsky." "And who," Brezhnev inquired, "is that woman?" "That is Lenin's wife, Comrade Brezhnev."
"But where is Lenin?" "He's in Poland."

With the Olympics coming up.....

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...

The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!

"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exausted Israeli: "Alright...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"


During a service at an old congregation, when the Shema was said half of the congregants stood up and half of them remained sitting. The half that was sitting started yelling at those standing and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting.

The Rabbi didn't know what to do about it, so he told his congregation that there was a 98-year-old man living at a local nursing home who was one of the founders of the temple, and that maybe he could solve the dilemma of what the tradition in the temple was. So the Rabbi went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man: "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the Rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand. . ."
And the old man interrupted, "THAT is the tradition!"


A good kugel sinks when placed in mercury.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know; it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Why spoil a meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave & never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye & never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk & honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig-in-a-blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
A bad matzoh-ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
The important Jewish holidays are those on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
According to Jewish dietary laws, pork & shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up & tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

(Zugesandt PK)

Moishe und der Papst

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice.
They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

(Zugesandt von OT)

Ein Musikstudent

Ein Musikstudent will ein Zimmer mieten. Die Vermieterin weist ihn aber ab mit den Worten: "Kommt gar nicht in Frage! Wir hatten schon einen Musikstudenten voriges Jahr.

Der war zu meiner Tochter erst sehr Beethoeflich.
Dann wurd' er aber Mozaertlich,
brachte ihr einen Strauss, nahm sie beim Haendel und fuehrte sie mit Lizst ueber den Bach in die Haydn.
Dort wurde er schon Reger.
Dachte frisch geWagnert halb gewonnen, konnte sich nicht Brahmsen.
Jetzt haben wir einen Mendelssohn
und wissen nicht wo Hindemit.

(Vielen Dank fuer die Zusendung und ''Drishath Shalom Chamah im hamon Neshikoth m'Minkhen'' nach Jerusalem an Nomi.)

Liebe Chavah, schau Dir die Erde heut' an...

Ron kommt zum Schneider ,seinen Anzug messen.
Nach 3 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach 8 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach 12 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig.
Sagt Ron: 'Der liebe Gott hat die ganze Welt in 6 Tagen geschaffen!!!'
Nu - Ja, schau dir aber den Anzug an und schau dir die Welt an!

(The following is a joke out of Borough Park, Brooklyn about the late beloved Lubavitcher Rebbe, prior to his passing)

Reb Menachem Schneerson is being driven to a Chabad retreat in the Catskills

by a young student chauffeur. He suddenly requests of the driver a wish to try driving himself after many years of being driven by others.
The young driver feels he cannot refuse the beloved Rabbi and lets him into the drivers seat while he gets into the back seat. Reb Schneerson, having last driven a stickshift in Europe, is having a ball with the advanced automatic, power steering, power brakes and all the luxuries. He soon makes like Richard Petty and comes down the NY Thruway at 95 mph.
A NY State Police car soon pulls him over. The jackbooted cop ambles over with the ticket book. As soon as he spots the driver, he freezes and mumbles a "wait here a minute, please." The cop hurries back to his car, gets on the radio to his area supervisor, and reports a very serious problem, "I just pulled over a very important person!"
The captain on the other end asks; "Did you pull over Senator D'Amato again?"
"No, this guy is more important!"
"You did'nt stop the governor?"
"The President?"
"No, but this person is real important, although I'm not quite sure who he is."
"How do you know then that this person is so important?"
"Well, he has the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a chauffeur!"

Wie gehts? (v. Bronner und Wehle)

Servas ,heiss is.
Heiss is immer ,fragst du nicht wie's mir geht?
Wie komm ich dazu ,du bist im Stand und sagst es mir wirklich, ich bin nicht neugierig.
Nu geh,wenn sich zwei Freunde treffen fragt man wenigstens wie es dir geht.
Gut ,dass a Ruh is : wie geht's dir?
Frag nicht!

Questionnaire for synagogue seating in Munich:


1. I would prefer to sit in the 
     a. talking section 
     b. no talking section
2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer? 
     a. business 
     b. medical 
     c. politics 
     d. hard gossip 
     e. character analysis 
     f. grandchildren 
     g. fur coats 
     h. what's wrong with the chazen 
     i. what's wrong with the rabbi 
     j. what's wrong with the prime minister
3. I want a seat located 
     a. near my in-laws 
     b. far from my in-laws 
     c. far from my ex-in-laws 
     d. near the pulpit 
     e. near the Kiddush table 
     f. near the exit 

A jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son,

far away in a college: "Oijvey, will he ever find a nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to, at least, buy and send him two warm flanell shirts.
A couple of months later he travels back to New York and see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives erev-shabat at her door and thinks: "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Sure this makes her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens:
"Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you! - tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"

A Jewish boy comes home from school

and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

A salesman for a new firm had a very bad week.

Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"
"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all."
"One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group, they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down South because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time. And by the way, my name's Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weissberg, but all my friends back home just call me Bubba."

Manoever in Israel

Eine Flussbruecke traegt (fuer die Manoever) ein Schild: »Die Bruecke ist gesprengt.« Der Hauptmann sieht von seinem Huegel aus durch das Fernrohr empoert, wie eine gruppe Infanteristen seelenruhig dennoch ueber die Bruecke marschiert. Zornig faehrt der Hauptmannmit seinem Jeep heran und will die Soldaten tuechtig anschnauzen. Da sieht er zu seiner Verblueffung, dass sie ein Transparent tragen mit der Aufschrift: »Wir schwimmen.«

Auf der Boerse

trat jemand an Fuerstenberg mit der Frage heran: »Bitte, wo ist hier die Toilette?« Hierauf Fuerstenberg: »Hier gibt's keine Toiletten. Hier bescheisst einer den andern.«

Die Methodistenkirche

einer amerkanischen Stadt hat fuer ihr hunderttausendstes Mitglied eine Praemie von zehntausend Dollar ausgesetzt. Kohn gelingt es, den Pfarrer gegen eine Provision von zehn Prozent zu ueberreden, es so einzurichten, dass er das hunderttausendstes Mitglied wird. Kaum zu Hause, bestuermt ihn seine Frau um einen neuen Pelzmantel, sein Sohn um ein Darlehen und seine Tochter um ein Auto. Als auch noch die juedische Koechin eine Bitte vorbringt, wird er aergerlich: »Kaum kommt ein Goi zu Geld, kommen die Juden und ziehen es ihm aus der Tasche!«

Two people take a legal quarrel to the Rabbi for arbitration.

The Rabbi listens to the plaintiff, and finally says "I think you are right."
Then he listens to the defendant for an equal length of time, and says to him "I think you are right."
This puzzles the Rabbi's disciple. He asks, "Master, how can you say this to both? They cannot both be right!"
The Rabbi pauses to think, and then he says, "You know, I think you are right, too."

The main course at the big civic dinner

was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly," said Rabbi Cohen without skipping a beat.

Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business

across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bastard, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"What's that?"
"I wish I were half dead."

Israeli HyperBanner Advertisement
Member of the Israeli HyperBanner !

Polnisch-juedisches Sprichwort

Wenn man arbeitet, hat man keine Zeit, Geld zu verdienen.

In zaristischen Russland

fiel ein Jude, der nicht schwimmen konnte, in die Newa. Er schrie um Hilfe; in der Ferne spazierten zwei Poilizisten- aber sie gingen gleichgueltig weiter. Da kam dem Juden in der Not eine Idee. »Nieder mit dem Zaren!« bruellte er aus Leibeskraeften. Im Nu sprangen beide Polizisten ins Wasser und schleppten ihn heraus, um ihn ins Gefaengnis zu bringen.

Das Schiff hat ein Leck

Die Leute schreien, weinen. Ein Jude gebaerdet sich besonders verzweifelt. Da tritt ein anderer auf ihn zu und fragt verwundert: »Was schreist du? Ist es dein Schiff?«

Aus dem Brief eines Ehemannes an sein Weib

»Teure Riwke, sei so gut und schik mir Deine Pantoffeln! Natuerlich meine ich meine und nicht Deine Pantoffeln. Aber wenn Du liest >meine Pantoffeln<, dann meinst Du, ich moechte Deine Pantoffeln. Wenn ich aber schreibe: Schick mir Deine Pantoffeln, dann liest Du >Deine Pantoffeln< und verstehst richtig, dass ich meine: >meine Pantoffeln< und schickst mir meine Pantoffeln. Schick mir also Deine Pantoffeln!«

Zwei Juden gehen in eine Ausstellung impressionistischer Kunst

Vor einem der Gemaelde bleiben sie stehen und diskutieren lange darueber, ob es nun ein Landschaftsbild oder ein Portrait sei. Da sie sich nicht einigen koennen, gehen sie zurueck zur Kasse, um einen Ausstellungskatalog zu kaufen. In dem-selben suchen sie das Bild. Es hat den Titel "Mandelbaum an der Riviera". Sagt der eine Jude zum anderen: "Siehst Du, ich hab' Dir doch gleich gesagt, das ist ein Portrait!"

Kommt ein Jude in den Himmel

und bekommt von Petrus eine Fuehrung durch den Himmel. Vor einer hohen Mauer bleibt Petrus stehen und bedeutet dem Juden, leise zu sein. "Warum ?", fragt der. Sagt Petrus: "Hinter der Mauer sind die Christen, und die glauben, Sie seien alleine hier!"

Ein koscheres Restaurant

Im Schaufenster haengt ein Bild von Moses. Ein galizischer Jude tritt herein - was sieht er? Der Kellner ist glatt rasiert /(nach juedischem Ritus verboten!)/ Der Jude fragt misstrauisch: "Ist das hier wirklich koscher?" Kellner: "Natuerlich, sehen Sie nicht das Bild von Moses im Fenster haengen?" Der Jude: "Das schon. Aber offen gestanden: Wenn Sie im Fenster hingen und Moses servieren wuerde, dann haette ich mehr Vertrauen."

Ein Rabbi ärgert sich darüber,

dass viele der Glaeubigen ohne Kaeppi in die Synagoge kommen. Also schreibt er an den Eingang: "Das Betreten der Synagoge ohne Kopfbedeckung ist ein dem Ehebruch vergleichbares Vergehen." Am naechsten Tag steht darunter: "Hab ich probiert. Kein Vergleich!."

Vielen Dank, fuer Mitarbeit und Anregungen, an G. Fleischmann, A. Cohen und N. Meron.

Humor, erzählt auf Jiddisch
Noch viel mehr Witze gibt's in Frankfurt.

hagalil.gif (1716 Byte)            
    hadash.jpg (2703 Byte)

Spenden Sie mit PayPal - schnell, kostenlos und sicher!

Werben in haGalil?
Ihre Anzeige hier!

Advertize in haGalil?
Your Ad here! ist kostenlos! Trotzdem: haGalil kostet Geld!

Die bei haGalil onLine und den angeschlossenen Domains veröffentlichten Texte spiegeln Meinungen und Kenntnisstand der jeweiligen Autoren.
Sie geben nicht unbedingt die Meinung der Herausgeber bzw. der Gesamtredaktion wieder.
haGalil onLine

haGalil - Postfach 900504 - D-81505 München
1995-2014 © haGalil onLine® bzw. den angeg. Rechteinhabern
Munich - Tel Aviv - All Rights Reserved