"Kosher Jokes" from haGalil onLine®
Dialogue while Moses is at the top of
G: And remember Moses, in the laws of
keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
M: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a
calf in its mother's milk.
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait
six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't
cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!
M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we
should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and
if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...
G: Ho Moses, do whatever the hell you
From J. Turner, JIC (Jewish Internet
What does a doctor bring when he makes
house calls? Why, a doctor's kit, of course! And when a plumber comes to fix
your pipes, he brings a plumbing kit.
So it should be no surprise that when a mohel comes to a religious event, he
brings a brisket!
Thanks to Lolly Crummett (29 Palms, CA) for
A rabbi goes into a Chinese restaurant for the first time.
He looks at the menu, reading the
descriptions of the various foods. He feels extraordinarily guilty, but
decides to go ahead and order; he has been intrigued by Chinese food for
years, and has finally broken down and decided to try it.
Since this is his first time in a Chinese
restaurant, many of the foods being served seem strange, and the smells in the
restaurant are also strange. He finds the menu almost impossible to decipher.
The rabbi calls over the most Chinese-looking waiter he sees; he wants an
honest, authentic explanation of the different foods. He tells the waiter that
this is his first time in a Chinese restaurant, and would like the waiter to
explain the menu and give him some recommendations.
And the waiter then said, "I have no idea.
I don't eat this traif." So he asks the waiter what's his name, and the waiter
says, "Irving Moskovitz." "How'd you ever get that name?"
Well, when I came to this country, we all
went through the immigraton line, where they asked where we were from and our
names. The person in front of me must have been Jewish, and when they asked
for my name, I told him, "Sam Ting."
The CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken
...was visiting the rabbi of a prominent
synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the
subject he came to ask the rabbi about. "Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give
this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that
the traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed
to a blessing over chicken."
The rabbi was taken by surprised by this
request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have been making the
blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me to go against
this age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."
The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said,
"you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do
this, but not a penny more."
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after
several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you on that."
The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called
a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members
arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I
have some bad news."
The board knew something big was up. The
rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi
continued. "We have just come into 10 million dollars!" The board gasped at
the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued. "That's the good
news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!"
Hat zwar mit Kashruth weniger zu tun:
A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York
...when a gust of wind blows his hat down
the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch
his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to
grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been
able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. 'Thank you very much." The Rabbi
places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been
blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack
and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He
bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees
a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in
Finally at the end of the day he returns
home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he
caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and
started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money
she says?" "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau
and it lost." "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't
matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
Mimi Hiller (email@example.com) Visit
Mimi's Cyber Kitchen!
rated 4 stars in NetGuide (4/96). The most comprehensive food-related site
on the www! Also, check out the newest food newsgroup: rec.food.cuisine.jewish
the Israeli HyperBanner !
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